then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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