where does the pee come out of this thing
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
