This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
