I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
