Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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