did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My ass is underappreciated
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
