i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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