May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
FUCK WHALES
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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