you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
