Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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