if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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