I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
