We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
whose parrot is this?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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