Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
