Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
