so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Girls should come with a carfax report
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
