Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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