Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
