Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
