I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize