I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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