i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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