my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
