So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
