this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
