My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
