I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
