So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
