Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
