my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
