I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
