You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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