We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Someone shattered a urinal.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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