I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
