Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
