I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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