So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
