Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
