Ketchup is God's man juice
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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