3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
