I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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