I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
