I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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