drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
