I just saw a hot homeless man
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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