He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
