your thong is hanging out like whoa
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
