I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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