You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
