I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
