I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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