So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
