dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
