so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
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I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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