My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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