My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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