Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can text with my tongue
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
