if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
