There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
