you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
